


3x dork dick-down combo

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blow Jobs, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, also way too many bad jokes and metaphors, way too much alien jizz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 10:20:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10897317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Literally just three dorks getting it on. There is not a smidgen of coolness here. Edit: This was meant for the comedy prompt on the HWDS! I forgot to add that.





	3x dork dick-down combo

==>Be the ultimate coolkid.

So, this was it. Two dudes, one troll. Hot blond gets spitroasted by two messy-haired dudes. Three naked dudes being bros, just bros being guys, just guys being gay. Etcetera, etcetera.

"We're really doing this?" John asks, looking a bit frantic. Sure, he'd been involved in a polyamorous, quadrantless trainwreck with you and Karkat for half a year now, but he was still skittish whenever anything sexual happened. It wasn't even his bullshit with not being a homosexual, it was just some sort of innate John Egbert skittishness. Like, seriously? Three teenage dudes in a world of their own? Six months was a long ass time.

But what sure wasn't a long ass time was how quickly you jumped in to reassure him. "Hell yeah, bro, where making this happen", you reply as you pat him on the cheek once and smoosh your lips against his. The kiss stays chaste as John regains his bearings, then you pout harder and blow a raspberry against his lips.

Karkat makes a strangled sound behind you and you and John both burst out laughing. Karkat growls, climbs onto your lap to get between you and John. Well. You could work with that.

"Considering Strider here seems to have _no idea_ how to start any sort of action ever, I'm going to take the fucking lead. Watch and take notes, fucker."

You reiterate: you could work with that. He shifts on your lap, and you lean back as far as you can to catch a good view. Karkat's hot, and John's hot, but the two of them together? Searing.

Especially with how much Karkat gets into it. You'd known about his weird hatecrush on John back when he was thirteen, but apparently he'd never quite gotten over him and just had his feelings turn less hateful. Whenever he first got into things, Karkat always kissed like he was afraid to lose his partner and now he was channeling that full intensity toward John.

You rock up against the plush rump against you, and smirk.

"What happens if you combine a dick and a Vantas-butt? Dickbutt!" You're known for having minimal control over your words when things are getting hot and heavy.

Karkat wrenches away from John, holding up a finger as if to mean 'one sec', then twists himself against you and leans in. He glares at you, tells you to shut the fuck up, and grabs your dick.

You want to make a joke about how a strong handshake demonstrates a strong character, but you're too busy gasp-groaning in surprise at the sudden wave of pleasure. John laughs in the background, and then flops down to the bed beside you.

"That sure is one way to make you stop cracking weird jokes, Dave! Jokes are my job." You turn to stare flatly at him. Dweeb. Although it _was_ nice to see him more at ease. He pokes you, and you wriggle away from his cold-ass finger in your side, but you forget one very important detail:

Some grey asshole still has a firm grip on your dick. You end up making a sound you'll deny later, then swatting at his hand. "Dude, dude. It's carpe diem, not carpe verpa. Ease the fuck up, are you trying to kill me?"

"Vigor mortis!" John crows triumphantly, and you shove your hand against his face. You’d deal with him and his dork comments later. But for now, you had a battle to fight. You give up on trying to remove Karkat’s and from your dick; you’d just enjoy it. Instead, you trail your fingers down the front of Karkat’s sheathe, idly wondering how his bulge wasn’t out yet. He’d certainly improved his stamina since when you’d first started dicking around with him.

“A bulge for a boner. Looks like we’re tied.” He replies with a sound similar to that of an engine attempting to turn over, but was too gunked up with sand to function. You squeeze lightly, creating a pulsing pressure, and smirk triumphantly as Karkat curls over with his unoccupied arm on the bed at your side, chest rumbling in a contented purr. _Awesome_. You’re tempted to make the tied into tied _together_ and let his bulge twine around yours, but you know from experience that it would overwhelm you too easily. 

This _would_ have been a battle of stamina, and both you and Karkat trying to show off for John, but then that fucker sneaks between you and Karkat, faceplants into your chest, and mouths over one of your nipples. You groan and squeeze Karkat a bit too hard, making his arm give out. He crashes down, trapping John’s head in between.

John makes a startled sound, then, “aw, Karkat, you’re heavy, get off!” He then lifts his head a bit to blow a raspberry against your chest. Thankfully, not on a nipple. You snicker, then slide an arm around Karkat to pull him down and trap John.

This has the additional effect of angling Karkat’s horns toward your face, so you tilt your head back to lick at them. Time to let Karkat’s hornrub-induced purring fuck with John’s head.

It doesn’t last long, though. John partially turns himself into wind and slips away, choosing to just watch. You take advantage of Karkat’s distraction to slip out of his grip and flip positions, then pull Karkat up to a sitting position while you kneel next to him.

“Hey dude. Either of your horns more sensitive than the other?”

“No? Why do you- wait. Don’t. Dave, whatever you’re thinking of, don’t-”

“You take the right, I’ll take the left. Pepsicola used doubleteam!” You wave John over and he scoots closer to mirror your position with a hand on Karkat’s horn. You’re not dumb enough to not realize that Karkat would retaliate if he wasn’t overwhelmed, so you knead at the base of his horn.

“Egbert, dude. I know how much you fucking love candy corn, this is your chance. Fuck around, play them like a set of turntables you’ve never touched, hell, even figure out if they taste like candy”. At that, Karkat scratches across your leg hard enough to hurt but not enough to draw blood. You assume he’s trying to get you to stop fucking around, although he is unable to express it vocally. Of course he can’t express it vocally, he’s a mess of purrs and clicks and growls and other weirdly hot troll sounds.

==>Be John

You felt simultaneously excited and painfully out of your depth. Dave and Karkat together was hot, you had to admit, though the way Karkat lavished you in attention was possibly even better. While you and Dave seem to have a sort of a slightly more than best friends with benefits thing going on, Karkat was...passionate. Sometimes you wonder how Karkat would act toward you if he was still in hate with you, and it’s quite frankly horrifying.

Regardless, it’s a lot to take in at once! There’s soooooo much bare skin, and it’s intoxicating. You can’t help but crack jokes about what they’re doing in order to keep yourself from positively melting. They’re getting pretty handsy with each other, so you wiggle yourself in between to mess with Dave’s nipples. He’s...really into that and it’s kind of cute.

Out of nowhere, Karkat collapses on top of you, and you quickly do one of the windy things to extricate yourself. You watch Karkat and Dave tangle with each other a bit, before Dave startles you out of your, uh, voyeurism with a suggestion of messing around with Karkat’s horns.

They’re...cute, just like the rest of Karkat, and you’ve always known that, but the way Dave was playing them was positively masterful. He’s dextrous, but that’s just because he’s a dork of the turntables. You, however, prefer a blunter approach. You lean down to kiss him, but pull back before it can get too sloppy - not like it would take much. _Damn_ , was Karkat worked up, ehehe.

You relocate your mouth to his horn and lick up the side. Your tongue runs against the grain of the horn, and you stifle a giggle because it’s ticklish. Karkat moans. It’s not an alien chitter-purr of enjoyment, but rather, a nearly human-sounding vocalization that goes straight to your dick.

A few licks later, you decide it’s enough. You seal your lips over the tip of his horn, using your fingers to massage around the base. While Karkat’s horns aren’t long, they widen significantly at the base, so you can’t quite take the whole thing into your mouth. He doesn’t mind, though, already turning into a mess beneath you.

You hum, and he writhes. He’d told you once before that troll horns were originally used for detecting the vibrations that came from elements of the Alternian language, and you were making good use of that _fun_ fact. Karkat’s movement threatens to upset your balance, so you wedge one knee between his thighs, forcing them apart, and brace a hand on the headboard of the bed.

Something wet and slimy lashes over your leg, and you twitch, moaning. This was totally out of one of those weird hentais Dave used to link you, but, like, a thousand times hotter. Dave mutters something, then Karkat all but _screams_.

Ow. Your ears.

Wetness pools around your knee, and you ease off his horn, leaving a hand to lightly stroke the side of it as you watch him squirm as he finished. That’d been fast. Dave must’ve worked magic or something. 

==>Argue that point, coolkid!

Yeah, if you were able to read John's mind, you'd enthusiastically insist that that was definitely wrong. You’d watched John go to town on Karkat’s horns, barely doing anything except keep up a circular rubbing motion to balance the sensations. Ha, Karkat's stamina really hadn’t gotten that much better, but Dave didn’t mind. It was adorable, and it wasn't like the troll couldn't go for several more rounds if they wanted.

“It was super effective! Karkat Vantass fainted!” You exclaim triumphantly, holding up a hand toward John for a high five.

Hand does not meet hand. Instead, your face meets John’s chest as you pitch forward in shock because a wet and warm hand had wrapped around your dick. Thankfully, John catches you and holds you up. As much as you wax poetic about how the majestic length of your beef truncheon caused surpriséd eyes all around, Karkat seemed to have correctly identified it as your greatest weakness. The reason his hand was wet struck you all at once - he’d dipped his hand in his own jizz as lubricant.

What. The. Fuck. Your brain short-circuits, and you scramble to loop an arm around John’s shoulder then grab his dick, fisting him fast to try to finish him as well because you know you don't have long. You’re clumsy, though, entire body shaking as your hips stutter into Karkat’s grip. That...fucker. Absolutely ruthless.

You focus your attention on John's head, thumb rubbing in circles over the very tip, and he just. Doesn't. Stop. Making. Sounds.

It's great and actually really sexy, and you, being you, let your devious plan backfire on you. John's head dips to your shoulder and he fucking moans straight in your ear right as Karkat does _something_. Aaaand you're done, noting with satisfaction that a shot of your jizz managed to hit John straight in the dick. You award yourself double points for the bullseye shot.

For once, you don't actually bliss out, but are fully cognizant of John's O face for a moment before he squeezes you tight. Derps did not have the right to look this hot, goddammit. Especially if they're well-built, incredibly cute derps. 

You ease out of John's grip after he seems to be done, then slide him down the bed so he's no longer on his knees. It would have been totally smooth, but you're still a bit jellylimbed. Your knee slips in Karkat's mess, and, as per your luck, faceplant into it. Screw these slippery plastic sheets!

When you come up spluttering, you're greeted by John's breathless giggling and Karkat's stunned, kind of scandalized face, so you decide to capitalize on the opportunity. Come on, you deserve to get one-up over one of your partners; today had been a series of mishaps on your part already. Dave Strider, not smooth? A fluke. 

You swipe your fingers across your face and lick off the gummy fluid on them, staring straight at Karkat all the while. His jaw seems to drop even more, and a brilliant red flush spreads across his face. John's stopped giggling, and is just staring dumbfounded at you, so you decide to clarify this for him.

"Dude, think about it. You're swallowing your own spit all the time, right? But even if you spit it out into a cup, it's still your spit. So Karkat's spunk is basically the same whether it's on my hands or direct from the source."

John squints at you as he swings both his legs over Karkat's to prevent the troll from attacking you. He looks both enraged and moments away from unsheathing again, and you're proud of yourself for inspiring such confusion.

"But, Dave, you don't exactly drink spit from a cup...do you? Besides, I was staring because that was...kinda hot? So I'm not sure why you had to bring up that metaphor anyways."

"Just a warning", you say to John, before turning to Karkat. "Yo, Kar. Can I blow you?" You have somewhat of an oral fixation and you're not ashamed of it at all.

The thing is, despite the fact that you feel exhausted, you still want to get your mouth on him because not only is it sexy as fuck, but from from a purely objective perspective, he tastes pretty interesting as well. He doesn't reply, though the tip of his bulge is already poking out again. Troll evolution: no stamina, delightfully multiorgasmic. You love it. 

"Ugh, you're fucking insatiable. Sure, yeah, do whatever", Karkat grumbles, although he can't quite hide the trill of excitement in his throat.

You make like a Trollympic swimmer and dive right in, immediately starting your laps. You flatten your tongue and lap over the tip of his bulge, and it unsheathes all the way in a rush. Karkat, obviously, vocalizes until he's suddenly muffled. You spare a glance upward and notice that John's cupping his face and kissing him almost too tenderly for this situation. 

If John wants to keep Karkat quiet, you'd give him one hell of a challenge, you think, as you let the bulge squirm almost fully into your mouth. You'd swallow him down but you're going to be smooth, dammit, and not risk having a squirmy tentacle go down the wrong tube. Once way enough, and no way you're going to divulge that story. Ever.

There's too much bulge for you to flick your tongue against it, so you pull back, sucking on it all the while, before starting a fencing bout with its tip using your tongue. One of your hands comes up to squeeze at the base of it, and you can feel the entire area getting wetter. _Awesome_.

You lavish Karkat's bulge in attention for a bit more before trapping it against his belly to keep it out of the way as you angle your mouth against his nook. You'd barely gotten to poke your tongue into it when he comes again, genetic material rushing into your mouth and around the lower half of your face.

Augh. Air. You keep your dignity and do not choke, although you surreptitiously exhale hard out of your nose a few times. John's laughing again, but when you affectionately glare at him, you notice one of his hands in Karkat's hair, right next to his horn. Of course.

That fucking prankster. You'd get him back for this next time, you swear. Start a food fight but instead of food, it's troll jizz. That'd teach him.

You flop over the side of the bed to grab towels, one of which you toss at John and the other with which you begin cleaning yourself and Karkat off so you could yank the plastic sheeting out from underneath him. While you're doing so, though, John does the windy thing to lift everyone and clears the entire space for you before grabbing you and Karkat and dropping back to the bed with a bounce.

Once a dork, always a dork. But you love him, so you don't say a thing and instead just rearrange your bodies into a more comfortable position for cuddling. Karkat's already out, purring softly, so you curl up around him; he's just too cute to resist. John plasters himself against you back and you sigh contentedly. If asked, you'd deny it and say it was in exasperation at his shenanigans.

Your name is Dave Strider, and you just about find it impossible to be a stoic coolkid around your two beloved dork boyfriends. (The sentiment is reciprocated all around).

**Author's Note:**

> There was a Hamlet joke in there. I regret nothing.


End file.
